Men: The 17 Ways They Fail In Bed
1. SANDING: Pussy isn't an unfinished tabletop. You don't need to rub it till it bleeds, be gentle. Don't attack the clit with your fingers when you begin, it hurts! Stroke, fondle, treat it like it's fragile. When she starts to get pink, then have some fun.
2. TOUCH 'N' GO: When working your way down to pussy, don't kiss the tits and head south. There's an entire midsection that wants to be kissed and licked. Girls are ticklish in that area for a reason, use it to your advantage.
3. PORN TALK: Unless you're both feeling particularly nasty, porn talk is ridiculous. It isn't sexy, and unless you're with a prostitute, just shut up. They use porn talk on pornos because it's entertaining.
4. TOSSIN' SALADS: Shit comes out of it, our mouths aren't going anywhere near it. Don't expect girls to leap with joy when you ask her to stick her tongue where 'the sun don't shine'. guys will stick their cocks anywhere that's warm and moist, girls have some self respect.
5. TONGUES AREN'T 6" LONG: Unless you're Gene Simmons, save your energy for our clits. There's a reason most cocks are over 3" long, they feel better. Lick everything, we aren't limited to one main sexual organ like you saps. Everything feels good.
6. SLOBBER: Licking and wetness feel good, slobber doesn't. There's no reason we should be dripping with spit, just sweat.
7. VACUUMING: A little aggression and dominance is fun, but don't suck our face in when you kiss us. We love our lips and don't want them sucked off. Kissing style can make or break good sex. If a girl pulls away with a slobbery mouth and terrified look on her face, you aren't a good kisser.
8. SOCKS OFF: Take off your fucking socks! You can have our pants off in 0.03 seconds, can't you manage to pull the stinky rags off your feet?
9. DON'T HELP: If we're going down on you, don't put your hand on our head to guide us. It pisses us off. We have teeth. Be grateful you're getting head! If you want it done differently, just tell us.
10. THE MINUTE MAN: We're just being nice when we say its OK. It's not OK, get some fucking endurance. Jerk off ahead of time, think about your great-grandmother, whatever it takes, we deserve to be pleased too.
11. HANDS OF THE REMOTE: Don't roll over and reach for the remote when sex is done. If you don't feel like cuddling and talking afterwards, go jerk off. We just rolled around with your sweaty hairy ass, give us some attention.
12. PELVIC THRUST: If positioned in missionary, don't ram your pelvic bone into our legs. If you want to beat our uterus with your cock, do it doggy style. If you notice us cringing, there's a good chance it's from pain, not pleasure.
13. STUBBLE: Stubble burns hurts. If you think you're going to be lucky enough to get into our pants, shave your fucking face. If you have a beard, that's fine, they can be fun. But if you normally shave and you've got a shadow, get rid of it. It's as pleasurable as coarse sandpaper.
14. YOU'RE NOT 15: Don't give us bite marks or hickeys anywhere that aren't normally covered up with clothing. They were cool marks in school, but they look ridiculous on adults. You aren't marking your territory.
15. YOU'RE NOT #1: Don't assume you're good in bed. If we look bored, it's because we are, not because we're in mindless ecstasy. If you're just thrusting away to get yourself off, you suck in bed. If we say, "Ooh ooh, yeah that's good," you suck in bed. If we're shaking uncontrollably to the point of seizure, good job.
16. SWALLOW: You are what you eat. If you eat a lot of garlic and meat, your cum will taste like shit. Swallow it yourself sometime, don't expect us to swallow if you won't.
17. 3 AM POKE: We don't think it's cute or sexy when you poke us at 3 am for sex. There is plenty of time during waking hours for sex and we probably just fell asleep on account of your snoring.
Women: The 17 Ways They Fail In Bed
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drip page if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowier, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually and gifted human beings.
11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if:
A) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or:
B) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt / sofa / Mercedes / country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution."
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