In continuation with my previous blog 40 Mistakes Men make during SEX with Women http://bit.ly/oXXgmg presenting the 40 Mistakes Women make during SEX with Men
1. The dead fish:
Every once in awhile, for whatever reason, you'll find a woman who just really doesn't feel like doing anything at all, and I mean anything. She will lay there, like a dead fish, and make the partner do all the work. This makes sex boring, ladies. Spice it up for us, and we'll do the same for you. Get involved, or we'll seek pleasure elsewhere.
2. Premature touching of the penis:
Somewhere, sometime, every woman must have read a book, or seen some film, that gives them the idea that men love it if you grab their penis within the first 10 seconds of sex.
You don't want us men to ignore foreplay, so please do the same. Nothing ruins a great moment of passion quicker than when an overenthusiastic woman goes grabbing for it. Either you grab it too hard, and the mood is gone, or you make it feel so good that it ends the experience too quickly. Either learn how to touch it right, or don't touch!
Take a shower! Shave your legs! Trim your pubic hair! You know, there are jokes floating around, and in them, women's vaginas smell like fish. Fact is, sooner or later, one of us guys meets a woman that lets us all know...there was a source for these jokes, and she smells even worse than fish by now! You want your guy to smell and look nice. We ask something so simple..do the same for us.
4. Improper technique:
If you haven't done it before, warn us! Don't try and fool us into thinking you're a porn star, if you have no idea what you're doing. We may tell you that it was great, but we'll tell all your friends how horrible you really are in bed. I'm not saying you have to be great, but learn, and if you don't know, don't lie about how many guys you've slept with.
5. The sudden idiot:
This is what I call it when the woman seems perfectly fine, until you get down to business. She's friendly in the bar, or wherever you found her, but when you end up back to the bedroom, she becomes your date at the junior prom. Everything tickles her, she can't stop giggling, and she finds any sexual contact at all to be the funniest thing she's ever felt. She can't stop laughing, and your neighbor is peering in the window wondering what's so damn funny.
I confess, not all of you are like this, but many women are. I don't know whether you did cheerleading in school or what, but our bodies are not a foam platform for you to do cartwheels and strange yoga or tai chi positions. Some feels very nice, but atleast have the courtesy to ask us if it hurts.
7. Guys are more than a penis with legs:
Women on talkshows will complain about how little a man knows about women. Well, ladies, how much do you know about us men? Do you like our hobbies, or even know what they are?
Do you know what makes us feel wonderful in bed? Do you know what our favorite colors are? Nothing is more intimate for you than when you're with someone who knows about your needs. Guess what? Same for us.
If you don't want to have sex tonight, tell us the truth. This whole headache thing has been used way too much. You know, some women even use it as some sort of strange signal
that they want to have sex. Confusion does not go well in the bed. Deception is also silly. If you want it, say so. If you don't, then say that. If you can't be honest about whether or not you want sex, how are we supposed to trust you on more important statements, like whether or not you've been cheating on us?
9. The Menstrual Surprise:
Some of us don't mind, some of us do, I think it's safe to say all of us would like a little advance warning. Me, I can honestly say it's never come up. But, I sure as hell prefer a frank conversation to reaching down, feeling blood, and wondering if she's wounded. Talk to us, educate us, give us charts and graphs.
I mean, of course, daytime television, not necessarily Oprah only. You see, the single biggest problem in the world today, is women watching a show, and thinking that's how they need to interact with their boyfriend. Men watch porn, some women do. You don't want us thinking all women are like porn women, so don't behave like all of us men should behave and interact like the guys you see in talkshow world. Porn is fake, so is almost all daytime TV.
11. Personal Space
When we're out of the room, please don't go through our clothes and wallet. If you don't want to be treated like a drug-crazed hooker, then don't behave like one. If we want you to have our phone number we will be sure to give it to you, and the same goes for anything else we keep in our pants or coat. If you're curious about who we are, ask questions, talk to us.
12. Psychic Connection:
Ladies, I know this shouldn't need to be said, but the fact is, if you don't say it to us, we have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Just because we can see in your face that you are upset, we have no way of telling why or what to do to make it better. So don't get mad because we don't share a brain. Use your mouth, and explain it. Maybe then we can help. Shouting at us won't help.
Yep, if you're not a professional stripper, don't act like you are. If you don't know what you're doing, you're not going to look sexy. This should be common sense. There are classes, video tapes, and books, on how to strip for your man. Do not make the mistake, of thinking that your awkwardness, and almost knocking yourself over while riding a post on the bed, is going to make us horny.
14. Honesty deserves a reward:
You claim you hate it when we lie to you, but then you get upset when we are honest with you. When you lie to us, we don't like it. If you walked down the street, and someone lied to you, you'd be angry, right? So if you ask us a simple question, and we tell you the simple truth, treat it with the respect you'd give your best friend. When you ask your girlfriends if you look fat, you sure as hell wouldn't be as upset if they said yes. So don't get all snippy with us.
15. Fantasy night:
We know that sometimes it can get alittle dull in bed. It does for us too, sometimes. But deciding on your own that you're going to dress like a thief, and coming in through the window, will only get your ass put in jail, if you don't tell us before you do it. We're good at faking pleasant surprise. We put it to use everytime you bring your most obnoxious old friends over to visit.
16. Being rude:
Ok, nobody's perfect. Some of us have teeth missing, or are alittle shorter, or whatever it is. But that's no excuse for staring at our unusual feature like a deer in headlights, saying something stupid that can only be taken as an insult, or worse yet, breaking into a laugh and giggle over it. When we laugh at you, atleast we wait until you've left the room.
17. Pee first:
If you've got to use the toilet facilities, try and do so before things start getting really intense. I understand you can't always plan when you need to go, but it really throws the rhythm off when one of us has to stop all of a sudden. The same goes for getting a drink, and anything else that can get in the way of a good time. Most hookers will go to the bathroom immediately upon entering a guy's house. You could learn alot from a hooker.
18. The prude:
You know who you are, and so do we. I don't care how pure and angelic you'd like your friends to think that you are, and always will be. We heard you lastnight, in all your rutting, filthy glory. If you'd like to have your fun pretending to be a saint to your friends and family, that's alright, but don't come pulling that shit with our friends. We'll tell them, assuming we haven't already.
19. The big “O”:
Sure, sometimes you lose yourself in the moment, and just can't stop yourself from having that great and powerful earth-shattering orgasm. Just please, try and remember there's more than just you in the room, and we'd like to share that orgasm with you, if possible. Slowing down just alittle can really reward you, maybe even longer the second time.
Yes, we know you like to be held. Sometimes we like to hold you. Togetherness is wonderful. But, understand, sometimes we have to get to work in the morning VERY early, so it's not always an option for us to stay up all night with our arms around your naked body.
Ok, here's a new rule. Whoever cums first has to keep going until their partner is FULLY satisfied. Not only should this put an end to that bullshit about premature ejaculation, but maybe it'll spark a competition in the bedroom. Can you make me cum first, or will I make you? Are you game?
22. Don't ask:
We don't want to be asked if we're cumming, any more than you like to be asked if you are. If you are, I'll feel it. And if I am, you should feel it, too. About the only thing that I'd really want you to ask me, is if I would like to go for it again. If you have to ask, the answer's probably no, on just about every question.
23. Oral sex:
I personally LOVE to perform. Not everyone likes to give it, but almost everyone loves to receive it. Now, I understand that it's not always going to happen. You might not want to go down there. I may not always want to go down on you either. But courtesy is best. Don't try and force it, and don't treat the act as though it's required. We don't have to do it to you, either. Have fun with it, and we will have fun all over you.
24. Kama Sutra:
Ok, I've read this book. It's clear that whoever was writing this was not doing the illustration himself. Some of it looks like it's best done in space, others look like they're only happening in your dreams. I know ladies, the whole idea of doing something out of a sex book really excites you, but trust me, there are MANY other books, and they're just as exciting to act out. The Kama Sutra is becoming old school, these days. Everyone's thought about it already.
25. Sharing the ride:
I know, believe me, I know that it feels very good on top. I also know it can feel just as good on the bottom. There are two people in bed, not just one. Now, sure, you might like to be on top more than anything, but maybe I want to be on top sometimes. You wouldn't like a car ride if you always sat in the same seat, so why not take turns in bed? Change is good.
Unexpected change can be intense and very pleasurable. Imagine your man is under you, he's really into it, and so are you. Suddenly, he rolls you over, takes control, and you can feel him inside you, I mean really feel...everything. Isn't change good?
26. Don't touch me..yet:
There are some people out there that think it's a good idea, to wiggle your sexy, naked body in front of your man, seduce him with your movement, make him ache with anticipation, but not let him touch you. What the hell is that about? Would you ladies like it if we got you turned on, over the edge, and then told you to sit there and not do anything? I didn't think so.
This is something to discuss with you lover IN ADVANCE, ok? I really don't think I'd be all that happy if my woman sprung on me in the middle of our lovemaking that she secretly likes to be peed on, or that she's into sex with dogs. You sure don't want us bringing our disgusting habits into bed, without warning, so do us the same favor.
28. The Golden Rule:
If it feels good, act like it feels good, but if it doesn't, then say something! Don't fake an orgasm, or lie to your lover, if lastnight wasn't fantastic. Talk about it, share with each other, and learn from it. If what he does to you feels especially good, tell him, or even show him just how good he makes you feel. Trust me, he'll love hearing about it, and better, feeling his reward by having you do something to make him feel just as wonderful.
29. Don't force it:
If you're not in the mood, don't pretend you are. Maybe he can help you get there, but faking it is a really stupid thing to do. Why do something you don't want to do? Calm down, use foreplay, mood music, whatever it takes to get you in the mood. Sex is always better when you are wanting it, and so is he.
We all need to try something new every once in awhile. Maybe we're bored, maybe we saw something interesting on TV, or maybe we've just always wondered what it would be like if we made love on the front lawn at midnight. The best thing you can do, is share these ideas with eachother, and talk about them together. Creative ideas work best when you both want them to.
31. Never fake an orgasm:
Are you a phone sex operator? Then don't fake an orgasm. Here's why. Sex is supposed to be pleasure, and passion, for two people. If you fake it, or he fakes it, one of you isn't having as great a time as the other. Don't lie to make him feel better. The next woman might be blunt, and he might not get it, because he believes you had a good time. Honesty is best. If the guy can't do what you need him to do, teach him how, or get rid of him, but don't fake it. If you have to fake it, you're not having sex, you're pretending to have sex.
32. Uncomfortable but natural things:
We all fart, burp, sneeze, cough, sweat, etc.., and it happens at the strangest times. If I'm licking your ****, chances are pretty good that my coughing one time isn't going to bother you much. Treat the rest of it like that, and there won't be any problems at all. Of course, if you do laugh, don't be angry if we laugh when you do something as embarrassing.
33. No man is Adonis:
Flaws exist, or else there wouldn't be plastic surgery, makeup, wigs, stuffed bras, and whatever else people use to hide what they don't want anyone to see. Now, I'm not going to be disappointed if when we get to the bedroom I find a little tissue in your underwear to make your breasts look bigger, so I see no reason why you should behave like a spoiled brat if a guy doesn't look exactly like your dream man, when you get ready to go at it. If you can't deal with imperfections, there's always a door and it leads to something better...the street.
One of my girlfriends was a real slob about this. If you're going to give someone a hickey, do it the right way. One time she had my entire upper chest and neck looking like I had some sort of infection. Damnit, if you want to do something, don't go into it halfway. Of course, it felt really good at the time, so keep up the good work! Huhuhu!
35. The boss:
There is no boss. Even in those master/slave fantasy worlds that people sometimes play out, there is always a "safe word". to put a stop to things. You don't own me, and I don't own you. So treat me with respect, and I will do the same for you. Don't shout at me, or treat me like property, unless it is agreed to, beforehand.
36. Foul language:
Personally, I think talking dirty is an art form. There are people who do it, and it's very sexually stimulating. But, there are some people who just don't understand it, and they maybe never will. "Fuck me, baby!" - sexy. "I'm gonna tear your Cook-off and shit on it!" - not sexy.
I have no problem playing the traditional man. Holding open doors for a lady, politeness, etc., but there is more to a relationship than doing what is expected, of either of you. Sex, like life, is often a unique situation, and there can't be any preconceived ideals for how it happens, who is on top, or what is felt, shared, or really anything. Do what you want, and have fun.
38. Marathon sex:
Sometimes, you just can't help yourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes it's just you, and the other half of the party would like to take a rest. Don't be too disappointed, not everyone has the same stamina, and sometimes you just have to accept that it's over for the night. You can always do it again.
39. Sex is paradise:
Yes, it truly is. However, just like in the Adam and Eve story, there will be pitfalls. Mot every time the two of you get it on, will be the best, and not every time will be the worst, either. There is uniqueness to every sexual encounter. Learn to accept, even welcome the variety, and you will be able to make paradise last even longer.
When sex is over, there are many things you can do. Sometimes you may sleep together, others you may end up leaving almost immediately, depending on the situation. Some say thanking your partner is in poor form, but I think it depends on the people. I think I wouldn't mind a woman thanking me for what she says was a wonderful night. It's flattering when someone feels like telling you they had a good time, so feel free to express it if you like.